Ten Games That Expose the Infantilism of Gamers

Call it my S.O.S. to get the hell out of this vapid community.

CONTENT WARNING!

This post contains sensitive material that may not be suitable for all readers. The material in question includes:

- Bad language
- Political topics
- Graphic violence
- Frightening imagery
- Racism and xenophobia

The Calm Before the Storm
The Erosion of Conformity
"Terrible" Game #1: Saints Row (2022)
"Terrible" Game #2: Mafia III (2016)
"Terrible" Game #3: Starfield (2023)
"Terrible" Game #4: Manhunt 2 (2007)
"Terrible" Game #5: WWE 2K20 (2020)
"Masterful" Game #1: Super Mario 64 (1996)
"Masterful" Game #2: GoldenEye 007 (1997)
"Masterful" Game #3: Mario Kart 8 "Deluxe"(2017)
"Masterful" Game #4: Sonic Mania (2017)
"Masterful" Game #5: Fortnite (2017)
Further Cultivating the Mind

The Calm Before the Storm

Okay, before we kick into full “ranting maniac” mode, it’s safe to say I’m officially back to blogging, baby, albeit not as frequently. Aside from adding onto those vacant little “project” and “database” tabs, there are two other posts I intend on publishing in the coming weeks, with even more to come once I’m in the mood to write them. Aside from this one, you can also expect one going ultra in-depth on my ten-foot stack of writing projects at the moment and another on Joker: Folie à Deux. Yep! I saw it, and let’s just say, my feelings on it are far more complicated than just, “I thought it was a disappointment.” That’s a loaded topic right there, and there’s quite the mixed bag for us to discuss when we get to it. Of course, I’ll only be starting that post after the movie shows up on streaming for reasons you’ll understand when the post comes out. Granted, I’ll need to make time for that—plus other assorted side projects like editing Max Payne 3 into a four-hour movie—between the online class sessions on book publishing I’m currently taking, which are thankfully asynchronous. In short, I’ve got a lot on my plate lately, and given the grievances regarding my social life I detailed ad nauseam at the start of the last post, it’s not all sunshine and roses.

Say, speaking of grievances…

The Erosion of Conformity

See, there’s a number of different activities and practices I take part in day by day that I probably shouldn’t feel as guilty about as I do. Next to googling DC lore that an aspiring comic writer like me should already know, the greatest example would have to be playing video games. Given so many resonated with me growing up, it should come as no surprise that I view video games as a legitimate art form, but I’d be a big fat liar for acting like it doesn’t affect my productivity in excess, let alone anyone’s productivity (to be fair, that goes for pretty much any hobby.) Of course, over the years, another factor has turned gaming into a guilty pleasure of mine, and it all centers around my disconnect from others in the same community. Part of this can be attributed to the fact that I almost never look forward to any new or upcoming releases, considering I have more than enough in my library to mod and/or replay at my leisure, but an arguably more critical component has to do with the… well… people. Not that this isn’t a problem with any other fanbase, but I’ve come to realize that gamers aren’t too far off from typical Twitter users as far as praising and decrying certain games goes—Jay from RedLetterMedia once said Twitter users are often driven by so much rage that it no longer matters whether they’re aiming said rage in the right direction. In this community, glitches are an all-prevailing dictating factor in whether a game rocks or sucks, games they have nostalgic reverence for get a pass for critical flaws while others don’t, mediocre extensions or reboots to franchises they’re obsessed with become fodder for them to personally turn on the developers on a dime, poor gameplay holds the capacity to make players entirely dismiss the most phenomenal narratives, and the instances of inconsistent logic go on. Today, I’ll be condensing my annoyance down to five failed and five successful titles whose receptions and responses have riled me up more than they have any right to.

My one rule? Throughout this post, especially the sections devoted to supposed “masterpieces”, I will not allow myself, under any conditions, to bring up HuniePop at any point. You can read my post about it here if you aren’t caught up, but that game’s undeserved reception is so detached, perverted, two-faced, and childish that it’d be redundant to repeat my tangent on it. Let’s just say, it’s such an obvious and infuriating example of games others love for the worst possible reasons that there’s no point getting worked up over it here. It was the reception of one “dumpster fire” a couple years back that motivated me to write this, after all.

“Terrible” Game #1: Saints Row (2022)

Ever thought no franchise could leave me feeling more conflicted than Sonic? Well, that still stands as the truth, but exclusively in the world of video games, you can give a warm pimp slap to Saints Row. I started playing Saints Row: The Third as a dumb thirteen-year-old after learning about the spectacular character creation system, but over time, I’ve let go of most of my nostalgia for it to instead gravitate towards Saints Row 2 as the crown jewel of this bizarre line of titles. Essentially, Saints Row is a GTA-inspired crime game series about a player-created protagonist joining and building a street gang called the Third Street Saints into a criminal empire. Having started as a prototype advertised as Bling Bling, it’s developed a strong cult following for its addicting customization, vast and diverse open world, mix of humor and drama, and replayable activities that can be best described as blissful chaos. You can join a prison fight club, become a literal hitman, hurl the paparazzi heckling celebrities into airplane engines, bilk your health insurance provider by ragdolling into oncoming cars, and much, much more! It’s definitely more cartoonish than GTA, but the first two games maintained the perfect balance as far as absurdity and realism go. Today, Saints Row 2 is among my top five favorite games of all time, as I currently play it with the essential enhancement mod “Gentlemen of the Row” installed while exploring the breathtakingly detailed and expansive map of Stillwater and using cheats like “Pedestrian War” and “Evil Cars” to keep it from ever getting boring.

Oh, and did I mention you can visit gay bars and join a barbershop quartet?

If you’ve read my Black Doom post here, on the other hand, you’ll know that I’m far less kind to Saints Row IV, but today, Saints Row: The Third is the point where I look back and say, “oh, no… this is where it fell apart.” Aside from indulging too much in its lunacy while cutting out the diverse environments, hilariously programmed AI, layered clothing options, and limitless interactivity of its predecessor, the third installment just generally comes off as having been written by a frat bro with a fundamental misunderstanding of the last game’s cast. The fan-favorite lieutenant of the Saints, Johnny Gat, gets unceremoniously killed off while few of his friends seem to care; the once-affable and laid-back yet assertive pothead Shaundi is suddenly a stuffy rich girl who wants to avenge Johnny despite never having had a scene with him; Pierce goes from being jealous and passionate about all his overly grand battle plans to an obnoxious Black stereotype from a Michael Bay movie; and enemies we’ve gotten to know in-depth like the Ronin or Dane Vogel are traded out for a generic Belgian businessman and a superpowered luchador who literally has “Bane” in his name. I give it credit for feeling grounded compared to the fourth game, which tells the classic George Orwell tale of a gang leader who becomes a U.S. president with superpowers in a simulated world created by aliens who blow up the Earth to the tune of ’80s music (okay, that hurt just to summarize), but as I’ve expressed in regards to Saints Row IV, a poor narrative and characterization is enough to dull an entire experience for me, which is pretty much the inverse for every other gamer I’ve ever known—for them, gameplay trumps all, as we’ll explore further in a bit.

Then, in 2021, a reboot was announced, and when I discovered that it would be restoring the first entries’ relative realism and overhauling the customization suite in the wake of an entirely new cast and setting, I hadn’t been so enticed by an upcoming release in years. After all, it was in direct opposition to the day I read about Saints Row IV‘s announcement, which can be best described as distilled deflation in response to what was clearly just Saints Row: The Third reworked into a supremely dumb superhero game. Not only was I impressed by the graphics, grounded and serviceably defined characters, fresh southwestern map of Santo Illeso, new addition of custom colors, and advanced weapon customization including a wide range of texture and decal options, but it was also just genuinely refreshing to see the series return to its simpler roots. Too bad the mere premise of making three of the four main cast members belong to minorities—which, you know, is completely new for this series—had caused everyone else to cry “woke” that whole time, and their aggression would only multiply times a thousand and one upon its release. Basically, the game wouldn’t even load on PC for the first week or so, and it was clear that it was buggy and needed to be patched… or, I guess as other gamers would say, it was an unforgivable disaster that could not and should not be saved. The “woke” arguments intensified when the game renamed the priceless fast food title Freckle Bitch’s to FB’s when it, uh… stands for the exact same thing, and RimJobs to JimRob’s because jokes aren’t allowed to be subtle.

Other than that, most people’s complaints are in regards to finer issues like the poor notoriety system, lack of immersion, and boring cutscenes, in which case they’re entirely within their right for taking note of them. I still consider it the best Saints Row game since Saints Row 2—the cast has some actual depth and relatability, it never prioritizes absurdity over maturity, the customization suite combines the layered clothing of the first two games with the wackier options of the last two, and the upgrade system allows for setting perks and abilities like dual wield without permanently affecting your character in the way the last two games’ did—but it’s not my favorite game ever, and I completely get it if people don’t enjoy or get much out of it. The problem lies with the very incel-ish gamers and dearly devoted Saints Row fans, who treat this one flop as (a) a personal insult and attack on them, and (b) proof that the dev team, Volition in this case, is officially dead just for releasing it. Same goes for Suicide Squad: Kill the Justice League, which, although I feel that bringing back Batman just to kill him off in an unceremonious and mean-spirited manner is not the most tasteful way to pay tribute to Kevin Conroy, I wouldn’t call insulting overall. In short, Rocksteady is not dead in spite of the upper management shakeup, and neither is Volition. It’s just people taking something inconsequential all too personally and willing to turn on the developers of their favorite franchises for not checking off all their boxes. After all, this game saved face partly by adding an entire cheat menu with an option called the “Steamboat Filter” (you’ll have to experience the joy of that yourself), saw the grand return of the Insurance Fraud activity, and featured a sequence like the “wallow in your own failure” objective and subsequent “lonely waffle” quick-time event. I don’t recall ever encountering a more comedically relatable moment in anything else I’ve played.

Oh, but apparently, AI’s been worked into the marketing. This complaint’s reasonable. Refusing to mod the game at all due to having been “let down by the studio we’ve placed all our trust in”, on the other hand? Just a notch or two pettier. I mean, god, it’s like these guys weren’t allowed an early preview of Galaxy’s Edge or something!

“Terrible” Game #2: Mafia III (2016)

Good lord… set phasers to “shame”. See, as I said, I’m currently editing Max Payne 3 into a four-hour movie of both cutscenes and trimmed gameplay segments. Then again, I can give that game all the credit in the world for working just as well narratively and gameplay-wise, even if I tend to get lost in the former sense more than the latter. Mafia III, though? Well, it “suffers” from feeling so much like a movie—a spectacularly produced and acted movie—that it would work considerably better as a movie, hence why I turned it into one prior to Max Payne 3. For reference, the Mafia game series has been focused on capturing the American Mafia in different time periods, usually progressing from one decade to the next chronologically. Mafia: The City of Lost Heaven tells the story of Tommy Angelo in Chicago-inspired Lost Heaven throughout the 1930s; Mafia II tells the story of Vito Scaletta in NYC-inspired Empire Bay during both 1945 and 1951; and Mafia III tells the story of Lincoln Clay in New Orleans-inspired New Bordeaux during 1968. While I have trouble seeing the original Mafia through a 2001 lens—given its hollow performances and characterization, lack of any real tone or energy aside from the opening, and painful attempts at humor—I find Mafia II as impressive in the realism and intricacy of its gameplay as anyone. Sure, you have the great atmosphere and memorable duo of Vito and Joe (the latter’s voiced by Harvey Bullock from Batman: The Animated Series, if you can believe it), it’s the only game I’ve ever played to date where your car needs frequent refueling and police can pull you over for speeding. Seriously. They’ll give you a ticket for doing that but won’t arrest you for a serious crime if you bribe them. Sure reminds me of Saints Row 2, where holding a human shield forces you into a standoff with police where they refuse to open fire. You know, a mechanic the rest of that series never bothered to implement.

Man… you know what? I gotta say, thank the lord above for Mafia: Definitive Edition, a remake which managed to fix just about everything I took issue with in the original title. You’ve got an improved story structure, more well-developed characters, nuanced performances, a phenomenal score, far better writing, and some of the nicest and most naturalistic lighting I’ve seen in a modern game… oh, and no “one hot dame” puns to roll your eyes into their sockets.

Of course, before that, there was Mafia III, which is by far the most polarizing title for… well, reasons that make sense on the surface, or at least under the assumption that you haven’t explored its story. See, it not only differs in that it features a Black protagonist. It takes place in the deep south during the late sixties, so the racism of the Klan and Jim Crow laws is absorbed by just about every inch of the story and setting. It’s cleverly framed as a documentary produced in the present day by a retired FBI agent and details how Lincoln Clay, an orphaned Vietnam veteran, comes home to his surrogate family in the Black mob, only for a territorial dispute with Sal Marcano from the Italian mob to result in his entire family’s gruesome execution. He acquires the assistance of slick and cynical CIA operative John Donovan, seeks help from reflective Father James Ballard, and gathers three underbosses from across New Bordeaux—mysterious Haitian leader “Cassandra”, grieving drunk Thomas Burke, and grizzled old Vito Scaletta—to tear down the Marcano Empire from the ground up. That’s right: it’s about destroying the mafia as opposed to joining them like the previous games involved. With John Donovan and Father James taking the cake as the most compelling characters, the game’s phenomenally written, beautifully atmospheric, and sickeningly unflinching with its depictions of the abhorrent beliefs of the time, not to mention featuring a laundry list of ’60s chart-toppers to go along with its smokey and melancholy original R&B score.

So… a surefire hit, right? Not if its gameplay’s critics have anything to say about it.

And oh, boy, have they had things to say about it. Most of the reviews you’ll read call it mediocre at best, as the gameplay unfortunately falls into a trap known as “grinding”, or when it’s stretched out, worn thin, and consequently made less fun. Yes, it’s quite literally grinding to play, but for me, it’s in no ways terrible. It just doesn’t hold a candle to the story or cinematic flair, nor does it carry the same immersion as its predecessor. Remember all the food and drink options from Mafia II, plus all those tiny details like switching faucets and lights on and off? Well, unfortunately, Mafia III doesn’t feature any of that, so it makes sense why so many people would be somewhat disappointed with it… but not why they’d flat-out hate it. To be fair, I feel like a fair chunk of people legitimately like the game for its narrative, and that to me is why it’s worthy of praise nonetheless. The gameplay’s fine, even if it does get repetitive from time to time, and in other mediums like film and TV, the positives of the execution and presentation are often strong enough to overshadow the negatives. For instance, Return of the Jedi is often considered the worst of the original Star Wars trilogy, but it’s still generally well-liked for its memorable creatures, top-notch special effects (save for the green screen speeder bike chase), exciting action sequences, and overall sense of fun and adventure. There, a lot of the good manages to triumph over the bad. Here, though, you get Mafia III, where it not only triumphs, but soars in its advantages, yet in other people’s minds, these advantages fail to make up for what is, again, not horrendous gameplay, but simply mediocre (although whether it’s mediocre or downright bad is very much a matter of tastes). It’s just sad to see this game more or less fade into obscurity solely because it’s not the most entertaining experience in the world. In fact, considering it aims to shed a light on the ugly realities and injustices of the 1960s, being as entertaining as possible is aside the point anyway. It’s akin to RedLetterMedia reviewing The Revenant on Half in the Bag, where they brutally chastised an elderly woman they heard grumbling in the theater after the movie ended—they weren’t huge fans of the movie, but they still saw it as dismissive to show zero appreciation for the effort and artistry behind it.

The real question is, when is a Mafia game going to follow John Donovan pursuing the conspirators behind the JFK assassination in the ’70s or ’80s? I wanna see him on a John Travolta night walk with “Stayin’ Alive” playing, goddamn it! Oh, and maybe some AIDS and Reaganomics commentary. That feels appropriate.

“Terrible” Game #3: Starfield (2023)

Thankfully, this entry won’t be nearly as in-depth a tangent—I’ll be conserving my motor mouth for the one after this—but that’s not to say it isn’t any less frustrating a case. See, when Bethesda Softworks announced Starfield, I was positive that this was going to be something very special, and unlike Sonic X Shadow Generations, every ounce of info revealed in the marketing would only confirm that to be true, from the personal spacecraft construction to the one thousand planets in their own unique star systems. As someone who grew up as fascinated by outer space as he was by marine life, this would be the closest I’d ever come to freely exploring the cosmos. Sure, there is a wholesome little simulation called Universe Sandbox, but this would be the first one I’d get to experience in the shoes of an actual explorer, and best of all? Like Saints Row, it would be as an explorer I’d get to summon from my own imagination! Suffice it to say, I don’t get excited by games too often like I did by Starfield, and about five years after its announcement and having played the game firsthand, I can say that it met every one of my expectations…

Okay, in all honesty, I don’t play it nearly as often as I thought I would, but that’s not because of any points against it, or that I thought it was disappointing. It’s because I have personal projects coming out of my ass and therefore have to find the time for it, but with how drop-dead stunning it turned out to be, I will keep finding the time. Hell, my biggest concern involved piloting my spacecraft, given I still fear the overwhelming responsibilities of driving a car, but goddamn, it does appear to be far easier to manage than I first thought! In the end, I find no shame in calling Starfield a masterpiece, and after all, you have the goddamn makers of Fallout and Elder Scrolls behind it! I know most people aren’t big fans of Fallout 76, but like I said, it usually takes far more than a critically panned dud to proclaim a major studio as having died or stalled or devolved or committed treason or handed Jesus to the Romans or abandoned us when we were kids or given other Star Wars podcasters an early sneak peak at Galaxy’s Edge or been responsible for the mass extinction happening around us everyday or convinced the people of Jonestown to drink the Kool-Aid or blown up Chernobyl or whatever glitch-fearing manbabies would accuse them of.

And, to be fair, people don’t seem to despise Starfield like they do Saints Row ’22, but then again, they don’t seem to despise Mafia III, either, and lord knows that game deserves higher praise! Yeah, see, when you give a game like Starfield a seventy-something-percent rating—even if you’re experiencing performance or graphical issues with it on PC—I’m genuinely interested to know what on Earth you’re asking for. I can tolerate people complaining about Fallout 76, but if, say, Red Dead Redemption II flopped, I would pray that zero percent of all gamers are taken during the Rapture, as Starfield honestly isn’t too far off in terms of my own personal satisfaction… though, to be fair, you do have massive swaths of players who’ve pulled a Force Awakens and decided they suddenly don’t like GTA V anymore, either because of how high RDR2 set the bar of realism or for not having singleplayer DLC like they should even care at this point. It’s still the second highest-selling game of all time for having been the RDR2 of 2013—which, in case you struggle with math like I do, was twelve fucking years ago—so quit your whining, complaining, and superfluous comparisons and get your lives together, you oversensitive, OnlyFans-subscribed wastes of–

Ahem. Thanks, I needed an intermission. Where was I? Oh, yeah. Go play Starfield, stop asking a thousand questions, and start taking in the majesty of a thousand planets instead. That’s my public service announcement for this section.

“Terrible” Game #4: Manhunt 2 (2007)

Oh. Uh… I’m sorry, this is horribly awkward. You’re about to report this blog to the authorities because I have the gall to include this one, aren’t you? Yeah… perhaps, I should elaborate up front, just to clear my name.

Rockstar Games’s 2003 stealth-based TPS Manhunt is considered by many outlets to be one of the most disturbing games ever made. I’ll be bringing up this subject again should I decide to publish an eventual two-part post about Rockstar’s history, but the basis amounts to you stepping in the blood-stained work boots of a fictional serial killer named James Earl Cash. He’s put on death row, but the lethal injection he receives turns out to have been swapped for a basic sedative by a mysterious figure only referred to as “the Director”. Cash is allowed to escape to freedom, but only if he helps the Director produce a snuff film in which he himself commits the murders, right on camera. Of course, the retro graphics and cartoonish gore both take away from its impact today, but it did draw insane controversy at the time, especially for the eerie video distortion, air of fetishism, and notorious final boss Piggsy. Who is Piggsy, you may ask? Well, strip John Goodman buck naked, throw a pig’s head on him as a mask, hand him a chainsaw, and have him pull a Cookie Monster impression. No, the obscure Batman villain Professor Pyg is not, in fact, the most absurd or unsettling pig-themed villain in history. Actually, he probably is. And the most literary.

So, the burning question is, what kind of lunatic would make a continuation of that?! Or, more accurately, what kind of genius would make a continuation of that where you’re actively rooting for the protagonist?! Enter the 2007 sequel, Manhunt 2, which is often believed to be even more twisted than the first, having been almost taken off shelves entirely for its AO (adults only) rating before it was censored and released with an M rating, and all while being one of the most out-of-place titles available for the Wii. No, you did not just have a stroke. The closest system to commercially viable virtual reality at the time hosted a gruesome murder simulator. A system aimed primarily at family entertainment. Of course, if the horror was all it had going for it—and if it was just as heartless, hopeless, or hollow as the first—it wouldn’t be worthy of a spot on this list, especially given its poor reception compared to the first.

Whereas Manhunt was a game based around snuff films, which, in Joel Schumacher’s 8MM, is considered more of an urban myth than an actual form of media, Manhunt 2 takes inspiration from unethical government projects like MK Ultra that have involved human experimentation. Now, when I say Manhunt 2 features a protagonist you care about, that’s the shockingly underrated twist that admittedly makes the premise kind of brilliant. See, Daniel Lamb does not want to kill. In fact, he’s just a timid man trying to recall his past life before he became a test subject. The people he kills are always the most evil individuals on the planet, he’s pressured into killing by the malicious secondary personality programmed into his subconscious named Leo, and he repeatedly chooses a higher moral path against Leo’s demands. Yes, it’s hindered by the spotty writing at times and Leo’s very, errr… Shadow the Hedgehog G.U.N. Commander-esque vocal performance, but it makes the actual killing feel more deserved and, due to how cartoonishly over-the-top it is, almost fun in spite of the eerie presentation and unspeakable cruelty (though, then again, said cruelty often comes in the form of such acts as shoving a sadistic fetishist right out of Hostel into an iron maiden, meaning there’s at least some level of karma attached). Besides, it never abused its actors or needlessly slaughtered tiny animals like Cannibal Holocaust did, so the only real ethical debate here involves how certain unstable players might be influenced by it, which goes for any works of violent fiction.

By the way, what did y’all think of Terrifier 3? Just kidding, I don’t really care.

In fact, I know I’m spoiling the ending, but Danny has a legitimately heartbreaking response to the discovery that he murdered his wife following the experiment that planted Leo inside of him, and knowing that his kids are still alive and well, we enter his subconscious mind as he seeks to dispose of Leo once and for all. After hearing his wife’s body tell him she forgives him for what happened, he lays her to rest and slays Leo before waking up on a peaceful autumn road, with a note letting him know that his kids’ address is nearby and he can finally return to a normal life. I mean, sure, there is an unlockable bad ending, but let’s face it: that’s not what you expect from a successor to the grandfather of virtual misery porn, now, is it? I can’t help but feel as though this is the exact reason why it wasn’t nearly as successful, aside from perhaps the infamy of the first game having worn off by then and the controversy of its release limiting its appeal. Still, since it achieved the impossible for a Manhunt game by crafting a heroic lead—not to mention keeping some his family alive when (spoilers!) Cash ends up losing all of his, like, halfway through the first—the only real inhumanity it depicts is the mouse-driven mechanic to stay hidden in shadow on the PC version. How am I supposed to pass that quick-time event with a controller?!

“Terrible” Game #5: WWE 2K20 (2020)

Again, the narrative side of a game, if there is any, matters more to me lately than how much fun I have playing it—if you show very little care in making your cast of characters likable, that’s the golden bullet for me. Still, you know what obliterates an experience more than the most tired of archetypes written at a junior-high quality level? An otherwise stunningly accurate 3D rendering of a pro-wrestler’s hair going crazy.

Indeed, as someone who tries to treat games as capable of holding legitimate artistic credibility and evoking profound emotional resonance, I never, ever, ever, ever, ever want to hear another complaint about glitches for the rest of my time on this planet. See, it’s become commonplace, for better or worse, for a game to start off rough and buggy upon its launch, only for patches to weed out the bugs and add fresh content with time. In fact, given this is pretty much the norm now, you’d think players would have even a modicum of patience for these patches to take effect, but that’s not what happens. The early states of even decent games are often broken enough to soil their reputation—I’ve never played Cyberpunk 2077, but that’s purely out of disinterest, not because it started off rough. Yes, it can take you out of the experience and trigger severe dissonance, but given the corporate debacle of crunching that’s plagued the development of modern games from Red Dead Redemption II to LEGO Star Wars: The Skywalker Saga, many devs would probably argue that the concept of post-launch patches fits their current release schedule significantly better, yet it’s an impossible concept for most gamers to adapt to or even keep themselves composed over. Besides, in the case of games like Batman: Arkham Knight and Cyberpunk 2077 that are otherwise well-received, all you’d have to do is give the patches some time without all the outrage and drama, and it’ll be as though nothing happened. If you can’t do that, well… I don’t know. Read a book or go for a walk or something. There are children starving in Africa at the same time you’re phasing through corners into blue hell.

Funny enough, and although I’m closer to reaching nirvana than I am to giving a single damn about professional wrestling (at least in America), I discovered WWE ’12 and ’13 via recommended YouTube uploads after falling in love with the Saints Row series’s character customization in my early teens, and frankly, I’ll comprehend the size difference between our Sun and Betelgeuse before I’ll wrap my head around the extent of those games’ customization suites. Okay, that’s a gross exaggeration, but I did develop a lasting obsession with them all through WWE 2K14, the first title by original developer Yuke’s after the 2K acquisition. Aside from custom characters, arenas, images, stories, special moves, and so on and so forth, I even found out how to add custom entrance and victory music. I played it like an unrelated fighting game rather than a wrestling sim, and my own musical horizons were broadened by the several solid entrance themes like “I Walk Alone” that I didn’t loathe… and then, 2K15 came out. While, yes, graphically superior, the creativity it allowed for was restricted to an almost comical extreme, as not even female superstars, or divas, were included in the creation suite. I’ve adapted to a couple of the latest titles in recent years, now that some of the original creation features like custom divas have been restored and I can mod my own custom music over the Guantanamo Bay audio torture that wrestlers think is acceptable to use for their entrance themes, but I refuse to buy and play entries before and after 2K22 given this, uh… curious trend when it comes the sheer volume of entries released since 2K14.

When it comes to glitches, 2K20 was absolutely savaged over feeling incomplete, yet the worst issues I faced on PC were sporadic crashes and minor texture bugs. My point here is that glitches happen and they don’t necessarily dictate that an experience is garbage all on their own, yet clearly, that’s not how others see it. Yet, before and after that title, I’ve started to realize that, with a WWE game coming out practically every single year, there’s a shrewd yet sleazy corporate tactic at play here. While I did not, by any means, dislike 2K20 overall, the norm has been that any and all technical fixes, graphical enhancements, and additional content have only come with every subsequent installment afterwards as opposed to… you know… just patching, updating, and refining one title? What this does is charge players full-price year after year for more or less the same game with only subtle changes, like Ubisoft’s Far Cry and Assassin’s Creed model on steroids, hence why it’s equally clever and questionable from a business perspective. After all, it makes complete sense why they’d keep doing this, as their model would’ve long since collapsed if it didn’t sell, not to mention a similar case applies to one of the “masterful” game examples to come on this post.

Speaking of that half of this post, have you not wanted to punch this blog’s lights out yet?

“Masterful” Game #1: Super Mario 64 (1996)

Yeah… I’m getting shanked in my sleep tonight…

Clearly, this is coming from someone whose childhood was drastically different from other people’s. My childhood games post here should give you all the evidence you need. Granted, Super Mario 64 was one of those games from my very limited time playing the N64 that rings a distant bell whenever I look back on it, even if those faded memories mostly end at the file select and Peach’s Castle music. Therefore, I have no ill feelings toward it as a game, so based on how I feel about one rival series in particular, most of my qualms to be mentioned here are centered around how its titanic popularity and place in gaming history has led to other masterworks in the platformer genre to be overlooked for hypocritical reasons. It comes off to me like much of the persisting fondness for and resonance with this game is based entirely on nostalgia, and as RedLetterMedia opened their Ghostbusters: Afterlife review with, “nostalgia is the new cocaine.” Emotions don’t always have to conflict with logic, as anyone who’s practiced wise mind in therapy would know, but this is a case where the reasons other games haven’t turned out as successful contradict themselves when Mario 64 is cursed by the exact same problems, if not even worse problems. Yes, I’m mostly referring to Sonic Adventure here, but hey—I grew up loving Shadow the Hedgehog, but I sure don’t like it anymore, do I? Nostalgia doesn’t always dictate whether I still like something, but between issues like voice-acting and camera controls that Sonic Adventure‘s been slammed for to no end, the fans who could always tell how endlessly innovative it was for the time have coined the phrase, “It’s okay when Mario does it!” As in, Mario 64 can play an obnoxious whirring sound at the same time it refuses to let you turn the camera all the way around in an open space, but Sonic Adventure commits a mortal sin by sometimes getting its camera stuck on solid objects in the process of rotating properly, which it eventually does.

Then again, call it unrelated, but both games at least carry similar vibes, namely those that remind me of the “liminal spaces” phenomenon I discussed here. Granted, Sonic Adventure doesn’t seem to hold the same reputation for feeling creepy that Mario 64 does, even if I do get a comparable sense from playing it (this has only multiplied to the tenth power by using mods to restore its beta content, which makes it feel far more barren and incomplete in spite of the pleasantly surreal atmosphere it brings.) So, much like Half-Life 2, I’ve become more enthralled by the beta content of Mario 64 than by the game itself, namely the fact that Mario almost had an entirely different voice—if you’ve read my Sonic vs. Mario post here, you’d know this was a wasted opportunity to avoid decades of ear-grating racism if kept unaltered. Or you’d recall me saying I hate his final voice. My opinion on it isn’t exactly popular, is it? Regardless, the unnerving flair the game and its beta content carry is why I found the whole “Every SM64 Copy is Personalized” legend sort of intriguing. When it came to creepypastas back in the day, I found myself actively seeking the ones that refused to dabble in the clichés that ultimately killed the trend to begin with, so as silly as it was, the mid-development mystique of the legend always clicked with me more than the game as we know it. Enter a deceptively off-putting ROM hack called “B3313”, which very well might be the only version of the game I’ll ever have to play. See, it takes the beta version of Mario 64 (yes, Mario’s beta voice included) and makes it so all the castle doors lead to… well… let’s just say, never the places you expect. The beta castle lobbies are accessible along with the final lobby, new music tracks come with altered versions of the original and beta tracks, fog and lighting effects set a fresh new atmosphere, and you will never see the new areas and secrets coming when playing blind. It preys on the creep factor of beta content and getting lost while blending in elements of the urban legend, bringing a new spin to the legend’s catchphrase of, “Will you play the game, or will the game play you?” You can download it for use with a preexisting ROM here if you’re as sick of the inconsistent logic of the default game’s reception as I am.

Not that I can’t share a spooky little nugget now, of course. Happy Halloween!

“Masterful” Game #2: GoldenEye 007 (1997)

Well, I guess this is it. I’ve ensured my place in Hell. Let’s hope it ain’t a bad place to be like AC/DC seems to think. The classic FPS GoldenEye 007 may be another game I watched my cousins play on the N64 when I was, like, five but ended up forgetting about. All my GameCube memories likely overwrote that one. Like Mario 64, I have no grievances with the game itself, aside from the exclusion of Tina Turner’s theme for the film it’s based on. I mean, would it kill them to feature an instrumental cover? Not since “Shock the Monkey” has a song about jealousy spoken so much to me. Regardless, this game is famed for its atmosphere, soundtrack, multiplayer, cheats, and arsenal that allows for dual-wielding… well… pretty much anything. That includes throwing knives, sniper rifles, and RPGs because video games were the Wild West at the time.

Okay, so? What’s the issue? Well, there’s been quite a lot of pressure from fans of this game to see it, as they say, “return”. This is where the infuriatingly unanswered question of, “what are you people asking for?” comes back into play. Sure, you have the more recent rerelease, but not unlike Sonic Adventure 2 HD and Super Mario 3D All-Stars, it’s an HD widescreen update of the original rather than a remaster. At the same time, though, you have a cancelled XBLA remaster with modernized models and geometry, for which reportedly only ninety bugs were left to fix before it was shelved. While the unfinished state shows at times, it has been leaked online and is playable from start to finish, both on jailbroken hardware and the Xenia emulator. Oh, and you can sense the developers’ aggravation with the cancellation in the opening variation of an iconic James Bond quote that replaces the Nintendo logo graphic.

“Do you expect me to remove this Nintendo logo screen?

No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die.”

– The means by which cynics are born.

As a primarily James Bond game-devoted YouTuber named Graslu00 has showcased, there was a fan recreation under construction by designer and programmer Ben Colclough on Unreal Engine 4 for the game’s twenty-fifth anniversary. The title was GoldenEye 25, and while the showcase viewable here shows off an astounding level of detail and realism—plus an impressive original score composed by Yannick Zennhäusern—a cease-and-desist order was sent out by MGM, forcing the project to shut down and the build to be left incomplete. But, wait! The shit-fest continues! After that, the game was being reimagined again in Far Cry 5‘s map editor. The end result makes use of Zennhäusern’s score for GoldenEye 25 and has found a means of staying available to the public despite another C&D from MGM. Yeah, see, given they’ve allowed less-than-tasteful representations like Escape From Tomorrow and the unofficial Mickey Mouse in Vietnam cartoon Short Subject, Disney doesn’t seem too sue-happy anymore, do they?

Yes, it does feel as though GoldenEye 007 has, in fact, “returned” many, many times, but would you believe that many of those examples came after an official remake? As I’ve learned in recent years, the game was entirely reimagined for the Wii under the same title, then remastered for the Xbox 360 and PS3 as GoldenEye 007: Reloaded. What makes it more fresh and original than the unofficial recreations is that it not only molds something new out of the original game, but also out of the movie—if you’ve ever wanted to see a ’90s Pierce Brosnan James Bond movie if it were a modern movie with Daniel Craig, this game features the current Bond himself in the role. It updates the plot, gameplay, and historical background to account for this while even featuring a fantastic cover of Tina Turner’s theme by Pussycat Dolls vocalist Nicole Scherzinger for the creative animated opening credits sequence. While the soundtrack isn’t jackhammered into your cochlea like the original game’s, it does sound far more like a traditional Hollywood score, and the multiplayer mode that brought families other than mine together saw its own revival.

The reason I didn’t add this as a “terrible” example is because it was actually received quite well, even if not to the same extent as the original. I mention it here because, even after being graced with this fresh take back in 2010 and the mostly finished XBLA enhancement of the original in 2021, fans like Graslu00 still call for the game to be brought back. Again, I have to ask, in the spirit of Jerry Seinfeld, WHAT is the deal? And who ARE these people? It’s the equivalent of demanding the “return” of SpongeBob: Battle for Bikini Bottom after the Rehydrated remaster—if this visual marvel crafted out of your childhood doesn’t count as a suitable “return”, then get off your ass and dust off your old GameCube. If you can’t find it, then buy a new one. If you can’t buy a new one, legally extract the ROM from your disc with CleanRip and emulate it. If that’s off the table, I don’t know. Get a job. Or set your house on fire and hop in your grave as though there’s nothing left for you to do. I mean, god, do you have to complain about EVERY–

“Masterful” Game #3: Mario Kart 8 “Deluxe” (2017)

You know, I think I just realized something. Video games and the marketing behind them? They’re a lot like Scientology. As long as consumers get something out of them, they’ll empty their wallets for them, regardless of whether the cost outweighs the service. When he and Mike from RedLetterMedia talked about the Resident Evil movies on Half in the Bag, Jay described their storytelling as akin to a child changing the rules of a game at recess so he always wins. The only difference here is that, in his example, it leads to an overload of confusion about how the game’s even supposed to be played anymore. In contexts like the WWE 2K games, you can incorporate sketchy tactics to make as many players go broke as possible, and they’ll go broke without a second thought—they could just have fun with one WWE game for the next couple years, but instead, they end up with forty-five of them in their libraries. However, as COPPA dictates with the sharing of personal info, you have to wonder what would happen if children were suckered into paying needlessly.

You’d get one of the highest-selling games of all time, of course.

Now, as someone who never cared much for mainstream Mario platformers, much of my Wii playtime growing up consisted of Mario Kart Wii, as I naturally skipped over Mario Kart: Double Dash!! like the true Petey Piranha fanatic I’ve always been—you can couple him with whoever you want in that, and he’s not even playable in Mario Kart Wii! Today, I still gladly emulate the Wii title with Petey modded over Dry Bowser on my own time, but the day program I go to three times a week has a Switch, and in between submitting jokes that soar miles over my peers’ heads in Jackbox games like Quiplash, I’m bargaining with God over why items keep fucking me over in Mario Kart 8 “Deluxe”. For reference, the quotations do matter, as I have a lot of trouble saying the full title without them.

In a visual sense, the game’s a spectacle. Rarely do I long to return to courses like I do Neo Bowser City and Big Blue… or, you know, at least since Coconut Mall, Delfino Square, Moonlight Highway, Maple Treeway, Daisy Circuit, and about fifty-seven others on the Wii. Except for the tiny antenna option, which I never realized was screwing with my handling due to taking up, like, three pixels on my screen in a four-player Grand Prix, not too much annoys me about this game… outside the additional content, at least. I mean, Link and the primitive fantasy setting of Hyrule are horribly out of place, but that doesn’t raise as many questions as charging players for characters like Birdo, Diddy Kong, and Funky Kong who, since they first entered this series, never had to be paid for. No, newcomers like Link, Isabelle, the Koopalings, and the Inklings aren’t counted as DLC, but by slapping an extra price tag on Sir Peterson Parker-Peabody Piranha—who is priceless, by the way—you make me inclined to not want to play your game at all, yet it’s the fifth highest-selling game of all time, according to Wikipedia.

Yes. Red Dead Redemption II lost to a racing game with a superfluous “Deluxe” in its title to make it sound like you get more for your money. I mean, to be fair, it is an enhanced upgrade of Mario Kart 8 for the Wii U with several new non-DLC characters and cups, but to then add even more characters and cups as DLC only serves to prove how innocuous the practice of patching broken games post-launch really is, because at least it doesn’t add a paywall to an already upgraded release. The Game of the Year editions of Batman: Arkham Asylum and Arkham City are the only versions available on Steam to this day, but when you purchase them, you receive every content pack sold for them. The Return to Arkham remaster does the same thing—even the PS3-exclusive Joker DLC for Asylum comes with it. Of course, you only really lose if you found out Petey Piranha was playable and bought the deluxe edition, only to get burnt and have to pay even more for him. Other than cases like that, most people are willing to pay, and eeeeeeeeeverybody else is happy.

Isn’t capitalism magical?

“Say what you want about Americans, but we understand capitalism: you buy yourself a product and you get what you pay for.”

– A painfully misguided Max Payne.

“Masterful” Game #4: Sonic Mania (2017)

As I said on my post here about weird recent Sonic developments, throwing in reminders of a formula you used to enjoy won’t solve all the problems with the current formula. If anything, it just hammers home the point that the formula isn’t what it used to be. Still, does that mean I wish the see the magic of the Sonic Adventure games restored? Well, to start, let me answer a different question: do I expect to see it restored? No, nor have I for a while. As for whether I want to see it restored… that’s a little complicated. As the fan game Sonic World demonstrates, a hypothetical Adventure game could work with the newer innovations of the current generation. Just add a blend of action, tragedy, and wholesome energy where all the characters have something to do and somewhere to grow. Portray the characters a touch more classically, like making Tails more independent and Shadow more charming. It doesn’t even have to resemble the Adventure games outside the tone and playable character variety. In other words? If I want to play the first two Adventure games, I’ll play the first two Adventure games. Just as long as their former magic is captured in an innovative new form.

What entries like Sonic Mania demonstrate, though, is that people have been longing since the turn of the century to see the Classic Era restored exactly as they remember it. I mean, all the power to them, but I wouldn’t mind this as much if Sonic hadn’t already reached the point of having real stories with real characters, whereas Mania makes sure to bring back Mighty from Knuckles Chaotix and Ray from… uh… one ultra-obscure title that was only released briefly in Japan, and people were ecstatic to see them return when they aren’t even actual characters. The most you get from them is that Ray is cute and Mighty is… well… mighty. Not based on anything they do in particular. You just sort of get that sense from them. Granted, that’s not to say this is because the boost formula’s failing—Sonic Frontiers did well enough, and now, Sonic X Shadow Generations seems universally liked, even if I’m well past the point of caring. I won’t take interest in something with Shadow unless I get the sense it’s going to give him some actual heart and depth, which the Sonic 3 trailer seems to showcase. I was honestly surprised to find out they’ll likely depict his backstory as grim and somber as it is as opposed to dumbing it down for a young audience, and with Jim Carrey doubling as both Eggman and Gerald Robotnik, I guess this franchise has finally managed to pull the rug out from under me, even if it’s still mostly stuff I’ve seen before. Meanwhile, Black Doom just came back to haunt Shadow into serving him again, and Shadow obviously won’t take the bait. He reminds Shadow of places he’s been before and places we’ve seen before. Again! I find no reason to look forward to that, as it falls into the same nostalgia trap as Sonic Mania and, ironically, most of Hollywood lately.

Oh, but Shadow grows devil wings this time. And the Biolizard boss fight with pitch-perfect pacing just had its intensity turned up times twenty thousand. I remember when Sonic action didn’t give me motion sickness…

“Masterful” Game #5: Fortnite (2017)

I sure hope you’re prepared for more vagaries about this game than I provided about Starfield, because the idea of me even opening my mind to playing Fortnite is as distant as Mario becoming old news. See, much like visual novels, I despise the battle royale genre with an almighty passion. I mean, I very briefly tried the mobile versions of this game and PUBG years ago because why not, and I published a video for my old YouTube mods channel where I tried to have wholesome fun in the warzone mode of Black Ops IV, but the latter was basically just my way of saying “fuck battle royale” with a goofy story attached. Overall, I’ll be using this section to discuss the main reason why I’ve grown so disillusioned by the gaming community. There might be no greater example of this than Fortnite, and it ties into my visceral loathing for battle royale and esports in general.

Two words: COMPETITIVE. PLAY.

Based on how I view games as an art form, it should be obvious by now that I feel this way, but battle royale is like old-school dodgeball in that it pits the “pros” against the “noobs”, meaning you will have to fight for your life when you’re just getting started and, if you so much as fuck up once, you’ll be kicked from the map and forced to spectate for the next hour. Esports is a culture where to be a “noob”, which everyone initially is at anything, is to be an untouchable, like getting your foot in the door somehow means you’re inferior to the people who’ve spent twelve hours a day doing nothing of importance to one-up each other. It’s a literal battleground of ego. I haven’t even played GTA Online or Red Dead Online in ages due to constant self-comparison and the inability for the longest time to progress through the ranks independently, not to mention the legions of players who break out into vulgarity-riddled shouting matches over voice chat because, as the late Jerry Springer has proven to us, people really like to fight when it accomplishes absolutely nothing.

And those are just the shooters! One of the worst offenders is Super Smash Bros., of all series, and as online play has naturally evolved since Brawl made use of the Nintendo Wi-Fi Connection (the same can be done on emulators via netplay), the games have catered increasingly to competitive play and, more specifically, tournaments. Ultimate may be the strongest and most recent example, but that’s not to say older titles haven’t become favored hosts for tournaments, and one of the most common entries is even older than Brawl. Indeed, Melee is a surprising favorite for esports tournaments, and as if dumbing down a colorful childhood institution into a Fortnite-style battleground wasn’t aggravating enough, I may experience a psychotic break before I can finish discussing the rules set in place. See, I was planning on making a post just for the topic of Smash Bros. to discuss this on, but few players realize that Smash Bros. 64 and Melee both had this simple premise that every battle fought is a product of a kid’s imagination—in the intro to Smash Bros. 64, Master Hand sets up Nintendo action figures in a child’s bedroom, implying that he’s the child’s way of inserting themself into their own pretend scenarios. Singleplayer modes end with the kid exiting their room and leaving their action figure of the current fighter behind. Meanwhile, Melee‘s intro actually starts with a human hand tossing a Mario trophy onto its base, thus bringing it to life, and the game’s trophy hoard is set in that same person’s playroom with the rest of their Nintendo memorabilia.

Yeah, but I guess I’m expecting way too much by reaching into the Smash Bros. void for artistry, because over eighty percent of all stages in Melee are outright banned in tournaments for how even the most minor of hazards and layout differences can be manipulated by players who are just that good. Setting aside the fact that this jettisons the majority of the overall experience, it also keeps players from cleverly using these recognizable environments to their advantage, and I cannot put into words how far back my eyes have rolled looking up little-known trivia on a Melee stage only to come across the vapid details of its tournament legality.

Honestly, it all comes down to this. If you really want to experience Melee like never before… just give the Turbo DX mod a shot. It takes the Akaneia Build mod—which adds fighters like Sonic, Wolf, Lucas, and Charizard and stages like Delfino Plaza, Luigi’s Mansion, Animal Crossing, and Green Hill Zone—and introduces additional newcomers like Daisy and Wario, alternate costumes like Sunshine Mario and Phantom Ganon, and stages like Castle Siege and Bowser’s Castle. There! Now, you can say, “So, you’re leaving less than twenty percent of all the stages playable, huh? Well, how about THIS?! Now, there’s even MORE stages than there used to be! So many tournament laws being broken! You’re forbidding who can play as Ganon, now, are you?! Well, guess what?! I’m playing as PHANTOM Ganon, and no one can stop me! Man, I love the smell of nonconformity in the morning! It smells like… MELEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”

Ahem.

Further Cultivating the Mind

This post sure is filled to the brim with angst, ain’t it? Well, regardless, I’ve tried to stay balanced, consistent, and civil with how I’ve gone about my arguments here, and all while blending in plenty of humor to make sure you know I understand how inconsequential this whole topic is. Again, for the hundredth time, I want to appreciate games as holding tremendous artistic potential, but with my class and writing projects taking up far more of my time, I’m glad to say my next several posts will be devoted to mediums whose consumers I, uh… don’t get nearly as annoyed by. As enriching as dedicating posts to the books on my reading list will be in the future—not to mention how much it would satiate all the people who give me shit over not reading enough—for now, you can expect to see both of the posts I teased in the introduction of this one published in due time.

When it comes to today’s topic, though, it may seem like I have an awful lot of strong views myself, and it may come off as a little hypocritical that I would shame others for having some of their own. At the end of the day, it comes down to passion and consistency—I may be disinterested in or even get annoyed with certain games, but I at least try not to contradict myself, and I’ll rarely sound angry with or insulted by a game unless I find it offensive on a very real and consequential level (in other words, I might speak out against a game that makes use of outwardly racist rhetoric, but not because its textures take an abnormally long time to load on launch day because who the fuck cares?) Besides, I feel that people so often tend to get lost in details that, at the end of the day, don’t soil the overall experience or warrant social media outrage. For every meaningless plot hole you notice when watching a movie, there’s a bug that keeps certain settings from saving in the game you’re playing. For this reason, I’ll leave you on a quote from Irish YouTube film critic Ryan Hollinger, a note on which he ends his analysis of a strange Norwegian found footage satire called Troll Hunter:

“I guess, to conclude, I like to see Troll Hunter as a kind of criticism to sardonic movie critics and nitpickers, a kind of ‘fuck you’ to people who get so caught up in plot holes, logical missteps, and wanting a justification for every fine detail that they forget the bigger picture of the experience: that you’re watching a movie to escape the mundane verisimilitude of your own reality. So, relax and enjoy the ride. It’s all just a bit of harmless fun.”

– Someone you’ll probably never listen to, but I hope you do.