Thomas Boyle Heat was the personal bodyguard of Ivan Versace, a Moscow resident who fled to America with the hope of starting a family, cutting his ties with the Russian mafia, and shamelessly stumbling on his own words without a retake. Other than an alleged sexual assault outside his college fraternity house on a future psychiatric counselor who would go on to drink coffee through oversized mugs, very little of Heat’s personal life and criminal background is known, and he was shot to death while defending Versace’s online friends from a squad of mafia hitmen. His mysterious past has lead to numerous conspiracy theories in the Burkehead Realm, the most popular and accepted of which claims that he belonged to an alien race called the Rosaceans, all of whom are near-identical to humans save for their reddened skin resembling the condition rosacea and their significantly lower IQ standards.

No funeral service was ever held for Heat due to him having no will or next of kin, and his body was buried near the site of his death with a copy of Amateur Acting For Dummies so he would learn to act in the afterlife. Since then, Versace’s online friends would be hunted down and executed by the same group of hitmen, one of whom known only as Jacob had been swapped out for a very unconvincing decoy before the fact. As of now, the only trace of Heat’s existence lies in internet reviews of 2007’s Born into Mafia, a documentary on Versace and his attempts to avoid taking over his father’s business. The review to garner the most attention was released by RedLetterMedia, who watched and discussed it as part of an episode on their web series Best of the Worst. The two other films were Dragon Hunt (1990) by Martin and Mitchell McNamara and Tartarus (2005) by David Wascavage.