During a nap, Sonic’s being yelled at to wake up from within the giant brass ring on his coffee table (oh, no, Kyu’s crossed over), and a Genie of the Ring named Shahra emerges. She shows him that the pages of The Arabian Nights are being erased by Erazor Djinn, a Genie of the Lamp who may go on to cleave the fabric of Sonic’s world, too. He’s granted a ring he can use to make wishes, with his first being for a few handkerchiefs. Because he has a cold. I’m sure that won’t pay off at all later. Also, she calls him her “master” while telling him to “rub his ring”, so I’m haunted by the notion of more interspecies sexual chemistry forming.

The first major differences include Tails’s presence on the sofa on the other side of the coffee table and the ring now being a lamp. In his sleep, Sonic mutters about Amy being a hipster who shops at thrift stores (hence the lamp) and Knuckles looking terrible in his yellow fighting gloves from Sonic Adventure. The lamp proceeds to tumble about and off the table on its own before inhaling both partners through its spout.

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The pair awakens on a sea of pages identical to the first stage, where Shahra communes with them telepathically. She also identifies Tails as Ali Baba, as he’s now wearing his garb from the original game. After Sonic tries her patience by not initially taking her plea seriously (it’s basically a buddy comedy in a world of mythology), each partner’s given a ring with a limited capacity for wishes. She also lets them know that the stories under their feet are being slashed away, but not yet by who. At the end, Sonic makes Tails, then himself, cringe with a pun.

Sonic travels the sea of pages as a tutorial stage, using glass blocks to gain airtime and complete each paragraph.

It’s here that Tails is tagged in with moves like flight and lock-on tail swipes to reach inaccessible paragraphs. Moreover, Shahra explains that the glass blocks mark the passages to be cleaved next.

Erazor Djinn stops Sonic and Shahra upon the mention of his name. He’s set up as a rather generic supervillain who simply wants to reimagine The Arabian Nights in his image, and when Shahra refuses to collect the World Rings for him, he sends forth a flaming arrow. Sonic jumps in front of her and takes the arrow, and Erazor says he’ll remove it should he collect the World Rings—otherwise, his life will be stripped as soon as the flame goes out. Erazor’s purpose for the Rings isn’t provided, and they’re given a lead when he plans to forfeit the life of King Shahryar.

From his loft, Erazor slashes the last few pages before proudly calling it a day. We also see Shahra in her own little nook, reading and back-talking him over his defilement of classic tales. Other than looking a little different—she’s closer to an Overwatch or Arcane character than full-on anime—she’s also a smart and precocious scholar with the respect for their stories that her father lacks (yes, their connection is much clearer in this.) Erazor accuses her of talking to someone, which he confirms by pulling his smokey orifice to the pages back open. Sonic demands that he get his taxonomic nomenclature right upon being called a rat, Erazor touts himself as a profound author responsible for adapting antiquated stories, and his purpose for the Rings is provided. Tails stands up to him, saying it’ll take more than shared credit to make them budge; then, an Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade moment happens where Erazor says he agrees, then pierces Sonic with the arrow. He checks for the shah in his ledger and tells them to stop speaking with his daughter.

Sonic takes a u-turn along the exterior of a palace and over the wall to his right. Not much dialogue other than mild observations.

Tails develops a crush on Shahra, which Sonic scolds him over; also, Sonic and Shahra share the same gratitude that she never has to see the ’90s. The wall to Sonic’s right is flown over by Tails, as the only path to the left leads in the opposite direction.

In his palace, a vase falls and shatters to reveal King Shahryar hiding inside, the role of whom is taken by Eggman. While Sonic believes this to be another one of his schemes, the king’s currently lacking security, as Erazor’s spirits have driven them off. He proceeds to get snatched up by a pterosaur ridden by Erazor.

A joke is made about the king not being used to doing anything independently. He implies that he was ransacked for possessing a World Ring, but after the pterosaur—not ridden by Erazor here—carries him off, Sonic’s vacant sarcasm matches Gene Wilder’s in the Mike TV scene from Willy Wonka.

A couple of paragraphs later, Sonic saves a helpless Tails, or Ali Baba, from Erazor’s followers, the first instance of the games reversing his character growth from Sonic Adventure.

The scene skips to the first boss clawing its way out from the sand, and Tails identifies it as a colossal sand scorpion after a shit-ton of radiation exposure (yes, that is a joke.) In response to Sonic’s quips, Shahra begs for them both to be devoured. If it wasn’t already apparent, this follows more of a Prince of Darkness, Big Trouble in Little China, and Road to El Dorado formula, in which two male goofballs (Tails is obviously the wiser of the two) roam an ancient culture while the smarter female lead rolls her eyes at their cluelessness.

Many paragraphs later (the rewrite only has one per stage), the Sand Scorpion reveals itself, only Sonic wastes time by making a literal pinky promise with Shahra to give her a mild confidence boost.

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The dialogue consists of generic action lines when I only want to hear “Poison Spear” playing in peace.

Sonic says its eyes are bigger than its stomach—true in more ways than one—and Tails gives Shahra a very deadpan summary of cataract surgery like he’s embarrassed to do so. They both acquire Speed Break to keep up, and the boss’s eye lunge attack is now a quick jab like a xenomorph’s tongue strike.

The yellow World Ring is released from inside the scorpion. Shahra references a mention of a blue hedgehog that definitely isn’t in The Arabian Nights, as well as Sonic’s life needing to be forfeit by the end of this. Which he’s collecting the Rings to avoid. Yet he still continues collecting them for Erazor.

Tails picks up the Ring, which gifts him with an eagerness for their travels to come. Without any needless apologies or fabricated quotes, Shahra suggests that they check the jungle to the northeast, which they agree to.

Not much to say other than it’s nice to see the scrapped Frog Forest dinosaurs from Sonic Heroes introduced. The créme de la créme of the writing has to be for the fantastic theme, “The Wicked Wild”, as it paints a vivid portrait of the setting as “dinos all over” and “it’s a jungle”.

Shahra asks Tails if Sonic’s usually relaxed about almost dying, and he responds by saying he recently died for real and didn’t seem to care. She’s the one to generate the magic carpet that bounces him out from inside a hollow trunk, and Tails manages to impress her by identifying the Parasaurolophus in the river tunnel.

Sonic ignores the king’s pleas as he’s strung up from the pterosaur, which is pretty mean-spirited as this isn’t actually Eggman. Shahryar points out a castle across the water, where new minions are being assembled.

Instead of simply ignoring the king, Sonic puts in a lackluster effort to make the pterosaur drop him, but that ultimately takes Tails hurling a rock at it. Sonic proves that he doesn’t know how stoning works before receiving the green World Ring from the monarch. This Ring ellicits a sense of urgency in him to get his arrow out ASAP, and the king points out the foundry (not the castle) across the water. In his words, he brought the magic of robotics to the Middle East, thus making him closer to the villain playing him.

Sonic collects the green Ring, which triggers a nondescript reaction that he theorizes could’ve driven Erazor’s other djinn mad. It’s at this point that he finally realizes, “maybe, I can wish this arrow out of me,” but Shahra’s passive and apologetic nature is her way of saying no.

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Once more, the foundry’s referred to as a castle instead of what it is. Also, Shahra calls the Golem Djinn “spirits”, not robotic shells containing spirits.

Shahra describes the golems more accurately while Sonic and Tails question why a foundry would produce robots (the implication is that it once provided them with fuel, but Erazor has recently been using it to construct the golems.)

Sonic and Shahra spot Erazor summoning more followers at a smelting pit. From the infernal pit of Jahannam, he summons a djinn of fire called an ifrit, which he hopes will burn away the spare pages he’s left behind. As strangely as this being referred to as an ifrit itself and not a golem containing an ifrit, Sonic can’t attack it because his “life is tied to the flame” and he “can’t fight fire with fire,” so he decides to bail on the boss and come back later. I get that an obstacle like this feels like it comes straight from a classic folktale, but it still overcomplicates things by not simply making the ifrit the next boss. Remember, a straight line’s the shortest distance between two points.

Shahra pipes down, not wishing to be heard by her father due to the punishment(s) she might face. Erazor explains that, by summoning the ifrit, he’ll burn away all the characters from this world until he’s left with his desired cast. Sonic says the ghost in the machine’s asking for an exorcism, into which Tails reads too deeply with awkward results.

Sonic comes back after defeating Captain Bemoth (no, not Behemoth), the boss of Pirate Storm, as he possesses the aqua World Ring. Honestly, the writing of this fight is somewhat up-to-par with the new script. Just take Sonic’s line, “Stubborn little fella, isn’t he? Well… okay, maybe not little.”

The duo activate Time Break for the first time. Tails asks the golem why it’s fighting them and not religious persecution, and when Shahra admires his knowledge of the region’s history, he cheers like Rudolph being told he’s cute. Sonic quotes Han Solo in order to keep him on the ball.

The machine releases a molten time bomb, which explodes and releases the red World Ring, to dispose of in another mission. Thus begging the question of why the Ring alone wasn’t extracted. Touching it fills Sonic with unspeakable rage, a harbinger of the childhood-tainting mosh pit to come.

In the same manner as the other Rings when collected, Sonic becomes heated (no pun intended) at the ifrit’s destructive potential and Erazor’s cultural appropriation, instead of just saying, “I feel angry.” Tails calms him down and asks Shahra why the Rings are influencing them emotionally, but their guide doesn’t have an answer for them—until now, the Rings were only the stuff of legend.

In the scene after the “Head-to-Head” mission for Sand Oasis, Ali Baba tells Sonic and Shahra of his friend Sinbad, who was in a skirmish with pirates before being lifted off by the Rukh. Sonic asks Shahra for a magic carpet and pursues the living fossils.

Sonic and Tails cough up a storm from the smoke belched out by the foundry. Sonic mistakes the Muslim nether regions for Juanaman when they catch the Rukh passing overhead. Shahra gives them a brief rundown on Sinbad and the cities they carry on their backs before Sonic requests a magic carpet—but not for him or Tails.

It has nothing to do with the writing, but this is among the game’s most creative stages while also hosting the best and most faithfully Sonic theme on the soundtrack. Granted, Sonic does make it clear that he doesn’t know who Sinbad is, meaning he belongs to about ten percent of the general public.

Sonic’s bias toward Shahra’s world because of the gargoyles attacking him sees her biting back like a pro. Meanwhile, Tails manages to flatter her with wholesome appreciation.

Sonic still refers to Sinbad as Knuckles when he first meets him, even though he should expect by now when someone he knows takes on the role of a folklore character.

Sonic gives up and accepts Sinbad’s “actor” on the spot. He’s rushed into cutting Sinbad loose, and when Shahra asks the sailor for his wisdom, all he can offer is to run a public census for who has the other Rings. Sonic’s sarcasm is cranked up to fifty-seven, and the altercation consists of Sinbad calling him disrespectful while he keeps biting back with, “I know you are, but what am I?” As the most mature one, Tails breaks it up; both parties then apologize and Sinbad says he’ll guide them to the other Rings—his cyan Ring, even—if they clear the way for his ship. He gifts them with the blue Ring, which bestows upon Sonic instantaneous insight into the Rukh’s history, including how they pulled Sinbad from the pirates’ custody.

Ali Baba has joined Sonic, Shahra, and Sinbad, requesting a way to overcome the ifrit. Sinbad, being Knuckles with a voice I refuse to believe is that of Knuckles, demonstrates his unmatched wisdom by suggesting that they dump water on the golem. Sonic pokes fun at this attempt, and he gets into a verbal spat before it’s broken up by Ali Baba. Sinbad clarifies that the water blue Ring he uses to control storms has been taken by the pirates.

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Upon obtaining the blue Ring, Sonic becomes overcome by “a whirlwind of emotions” (again, this is a case of telling when it should be showing), then comes to the bizarre conclusion that all seven Rings could open the gates to Hell… or hell, as the capitalization changes the meaning. Think “Earth” meaning the planet and “earth” meaning soil. Oh, and Shahra hands him the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. I mean, Erazor’s crushed lamp.

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Shahra swoons over Sonic’s daredevil nature and checks in with him like she’s his mother. What even is this game? Why am I talking about this?

Instead, Sonic’s move to have more fun by hopping inside an active cannon and surfing on its projectile draws more eye-rolling from his tour guide. Besides, we can save the swooning for Tails over Shahra since he’s a kid and that makes it cute.

After the “Rampage!” mission, the pirate djinn combine into Captain Bemoth. More generic quips follow.

We get more of Shahra’s hidden vulnerability when she wishes the best for her only hope, as will be expanded on soon.

Now, I don’t know why, but its horns are the source of its power (could you say something like “defenses” or “vitality” instead of just “power”?) Either way, ripping them off one by one is overly violent but not quite as grotesque as Mario dismembering the Gooper Blooper.

Tails identifies the horns as the mandibles protecting its soft body. Shahra suggests that he tag-team multiple horns with Sonic, and they oblige while keeping up using Speed Break.

Sonic can’t touch the aqua blue Ring because, as he puts it, it may exist on a different plane of existence. Or it comes from another world. It’s not exactly clear. Ali Baba warns them that the ifrit’s getting stronger, as I guess it’s being charged by the fuel in the foundry?

Sonic wonders if the dismemberment was necessary while Tails believes his conscience will never recover from this. When the cyan Ring fills his hands, Sonic’s at ease, feeling as though there’s a predetermined rhythm and balance (and I don’t mean the White Jungle theme from Sonic Adventure 2) to their journey. Sinbad recoups with them, snatches the Ring away, and parts the storm over the ocean before giving it back. He points them to King Solomon, who helped him fight off Bemoth’s crew and sealed Erazor and his djinn away, before setting sail on his vessel once more.

After the “Beat the Clock” mission for Evil Foundry, Shahra points Sonic to King Solomon as he’d sealed the djinn away himself. The living skeleton’s introductory scene actually comes after the first mission of Skeleton Dome, when his disembodied skull requests that they bring him his body. Sonic’s reaction to his current state is mildly comedic, but the execution isn’t funny.

Solomon’s throne starts out swiveled around away from Sonic and Tails, but his raspy opposition keeps them at bay… until he turns his seat to face them and reveals only his head resting, making the moment supremely awkward. He has more of a crusty pirate dialect, too.

An interesting (and also sorta disturbing) detail is the “snow” in the stage, which is presumed to be something else entirely, that is bone dust. It’s a rare case of clever showing, not telling, as it’s never said that’s what it is. Also, because of the first mission’s placement, Sonic apparently spends the next three restoring Solomon.

Other than including the bone dust implication, albeit reworded, it combines the first mission with the next three. They also collect the bones from the chests strewn throughout when it was originally unclear where they were collected from. It ends with Solomon breathing fire on the last djinn standing from his throne.

Solomon says the djinn have gone mad… and that more of them have appeared… and that Erazor is godlike… and that he has a weakness… and that he escaped from his lamp. He really is just telling Sonic things that Shahra will go on to tell him anyway, although he does believe Sonic to be cursed, which he technically is given the arrow in his chest.

Sonic and Tails finish repairing Solomon, who cracks a joke that fails to land. They’re told Erazor was meant to be Aladdin’s genie; however, his owner’s brashness rubbed off on him and made him a snob, so he was sealed in his lamp… until Aladdin’s story was over and the lamp was left without an owner, allowing Erazor to escape. In the end, Sonic and Tails receive the white Ring, the influence of which hurls Sonic into a panic. As they hurry to Erazor’s rising palace for the last Ring, as told to them, Solomon’s skull tumbles back off, and he sighs like it’s a mild nuisance.

Outside Erazor’s palace, Sonic feels his arrow running dry, and Shahra apologies so profusely that the sweet, passive anime girl archetype can now be used as psychological torture at Guantanamo Bay. Regardless, they maintain their pinky promise because I guess they’re both five years old.

Now outside Solomon’s palace, Sonic has the same sensation, and Shahra still apologizes, but not to the same extent. She reveals that she was tasked with finding the Rings before them, being more of an indentured servant to her father than his daughter. If she ever fails to promote his works, she’s to be sealed in his lamp, where she’s tormented by the cries of the imprisoned djinn for weeks on end. Out of sympathy, Sonic spends his second wish on a handkerchief and confidence boost for Shahra, thanking her for the kick in the pants she’s given them. This is when she really starts warming up to them.

This visually nice CG cutscene (I choose to believe they had it pre-rendered and needed to fit it in somehow) comes before the previous scene despite the excitement being more palpable after, as it shows Sonic arriving at the final stretch to the palace. The complex lights up and rises to the air before forming dark clouds that become a twister and penetrate’s Erazor’s loft. Erazor thrashes his blade around for a little while, and Sonic activates Speed Break by holding his ring to the arrow in his chest. He also looks way meaner than Sonic should.

In this version, Sonic smiles to see Tails join him. From her silky pink nook, Shahra sees them approach; moreover, Erazor simply awaits the approaching duo with his blade at the ready, and Sonic takes Tails by the wrist upon activating Speed Break. Also, because I associate “Seven Rings in Hand” with the final boss, I play “Holding Out for a Hero” by Bonnie Tyler along with this scene.

A dazzling and well-crafted stage in which Shahra actually has the guts to scold Sonic for his recklessness.

The two separate dimensions within the palace leave Sonic befuddled, as well as him and Shahra snipping at each other, albeit in a somewhat playful manner.

Sonic arrives at Erazor’s loft without all the Rings, which is tremendously stupid because his entire life is riding on them.

At the loft, Tails whacks one of the hourglasses seen in the stage, and buried in its sand is the purple Ring. He lets Sonic, who’s exhilarated by the satisfaction it brings, collect it himself, and Erazor comes by to ask for it plus all the rest. Sonic, however—being wary and not just an idiot—wants what was owed to him first. Thus, this becomes the condition for his and the genie’s showdown.

Hey, it’s one of the few parts of this game to have been forever burnt into my memory! Other than it taking place in a pleasant location at twilight, the theme song “It Has Come to This” also blows the roof off the place, I will say. Shame they really play it up like we’ve waited many years for this moment.

Sonic begins the fight with insulting Erazor’s dad bod. The djinn responds with more or less the original line, but Sonic stays ahead of him creatively by suggesting he try attacking with his dominant hand (yes, he does originally hold his razor in his left.)

Like a coward, Erazor locks himself away in his loft, and Sonic and Shahra are quick to realize all seven Rings are needed to open the gate. Again, I can’t help but feel as though arriving here without all seven was a very dumb move. When he does collect the purple Ring elsewhere in the palace, he feels it surging with sadness (yes, it does sound silly), and Shahra says Erazor was held in his lamp for his misdeeds until he fulfilled the wishes of a thousand people, after which he served his time with a hatred for mankind.

Erazor still hides away, but Sonic has the keys to invade his new space; plus, Shahra already provided the modified version of her exposition dump before the previous stage. After all, the villains of the previous rewrites were driven by their hatred for people—making Erazor a jealous huckster who never made it into his own story is at least different.

The seven Rings unlock Erazor’s gate. Without removing Sonic’s arrow, he asks Shahra to hand over the Rings and rule the world with him. She obliges, wishing “to be back with him” without any clear reason, but the sound of… something… nearly knocks her out, and the emotions associated with each of the Rings are counted off: prayers (wait…), sadness, rage, hatred, joy, pleasure, and… wishes? Of course, as he was warned, Sonic now has to die, but Shahra takes it for him; Erazor then absorbs the Rings, leading to a transformation sequence I probably shouldn’t have seen at age eight because you see the layers of flesh having peeled off his torqued skull. Then, Sonic experiences his own, screaming in agony as the Rings the new entity releases corrupt him into Darkspine Sonic. Remember “Escape From the City”? Wasn’t that wholesome?

From his throne, Shahra’s father flips open his lamp, the screams inside of which drop her unconscious. Tails gets a flaming arrow of his own for retaliating, and Erazor pinches it out on the spot. He promises to bring him back in exchange for the Rings, which, instead of the tired chestnut of emotions, represent facets of storytelling: the yellow Ring for Sand Oasis embodies adventure, the green Ring for Dinosaur Jungle embodies survival, the red Ring for Evil Foundry embodies conflict, the blue Ring for Levitated Ruin embodies myth, the cyan Ring for Pirate Storm embodies flow, the white Ring for Skeleton Dome embodies horror, and the purple Ring for Night Palace embodies uplift. Shahra dies for Sonic, and by absorbing the Rings, Erazor becomes concerned by their corrupting influence. While grotesque, his transformation is described as more abstract like a living plume of smoke and less like body horror. Sonic’s transformation is also more traditional while spiritually faithful to the original—a ring of fire runs up his body, á la Danny Phantom—and Darkspine Sonic maintains his typical snark and… ahem… lack of crazy.

Darkspine Sonic does an impression of Jake Gyllenhaal in front of the mirror in Nightcrawler while bludgeoning the abomination’s exposed organ. I don’t think I like him anymore…

At this point, Erazor is referring to himself as the Arabian Nights themselves. While he does sound angrier than usual, Darkspine Sonic still has a few quips up his sleeve, and not once does he pull a banshee and scare his elementary-grade fans.

Sonic spends the last of his soul energy on Erazor, which returns the two of them and the loft back to normal; moreover, it’s daytime now. Erazor calls himself immortal, the first but not the last case of confusing immortality for invincibility, and Sonic realizes the lamp must’ve been restored when he… asked Shahra to restore her old self, I guess? We never saw that happen until now, and the lamp had zero involvement in the wish. Sonic takes Erazor’s throne and, with much aggression, blasts three wishes out of him: Shahra’s resurrection, the restoration of their world’s stories, and his eternal imprisonment inside his lamp. It ends as a soap opera with Sonic asking for a mountain of handkerchiefs because setup and payoff. Or a light frosting of handkerchiefs. I don’t know why, I guess they just wanted to be artsy!

Erazor’s angered to have been bamboozled by the Rings, but Sonic takes it as a lesson not to exploit or defile antiquities. Erazor initially refuses to grant him his wishes, but even he’s aware of the debt he owes. Shahra and Tails are brought back, the world is back in order… and Tails locks Erazor away, having just picked up his lamp. With that done, he and Sonic throw the lamp aside and set Shahra free in the outside world, but not without one final wish (that makes three throughout the story!) to go back home.

In a post-credits scene that suggests future adventures to come, Sonic and Shahra drop Erazor’s lamp into the smelting pit at the foundry, which is (a) excessive and (b) more than likely to free him and his fellow djinn.

Firstly, Sonic and Tails wake back up by the hearth, the latter of whom already misses “her”. As Sonic consoles him, Amy and Cream walk in—this turns out to be Amy’s house—to tell them it’s time to head home, but Sonic has a story to tell. Both girls, plus Knuckles as he took on the role of Sinbad, gather around the fire while Sonic sets up the story… only for him and Tails to respectively title it Sonic and the Secret Rings and Sonic and the Black Knight, implying they had two different dreams all along (yes, the idea is that Tails was referring to Merlina instead of Shahra.) Secondly, Shahra watches the skies from the balcony outside the palace, gazes into her ring from the start of the original game, and leaves it to the air over the railing, beaming at her newfound freedom.

When Sonic’s called from the sky by Merlina, he comically faceplants and exhausts himself saving his chili dogs. In a bizarre move, it’s almost played up dramatically, not comedically, even when he swallows one of his two dogs whole. Merlina stops him before he can attack Arthur, who’s free to gallop off and meet with the three Knights of the Round Table on the cliff overhead. Like stoic, unshakable shinobis (or more accurately jedi, given their lack of personality), they take their orders from him, agreeing that they’re nothing without royalty.

Other than Merlina matching Shahra’s redesign—plus darker makeup and even a small mole—her summoning spell is redone in Latin at the start, and when Sonic faceplants in front of her, this leaves both her and Arthur with nothing to do but watch him tug his face out of the soil. Then get a chili dog on his face. Then swallow it whole. Then crash to the floor again with Tails (complete with his blacksmith gear) on top of him. There’s also some very Smiling Friends-esque bickering between the duo, and by the time they’re back on the ball, Arthur and his forces are long gone. Furthermore, in the case of the three Knights, they’re (a) classically British and (b) in line with the characters portraying them: Lancelot is sly and driven like Shadow, Gawain is strong-willed but impulsive like Knuckles, and Percival is dignified yet self-deprecating like Blaze.

Merlina explains her reason for stopping Sonic, which is that Arthur can’t be wounded. We also learn that Sonic can’t even recall what Excalibur is, let alone Sinbad, so I guess he’s officially reached peak idiot. For now, Merlina quits the exposition and sends him on his way to get accustomed to Camelot.

Merlina explains that black magic shields Arthur, then points them to Lady Nimue, who lives along the Misty Lake after having woven the scabbard that brought said magic here. Like Elise, Sonic gets her name wrong, then even worse, for which she thanks him by giving him and Tails the feeble starter swords Clarent. It’s okay, though, because Tails admits he has no standards anyway.

This serves as the tutorial stage, which leads into a spat with the Mist Dragon and the first boss fight with Arthur.

Merlina realizes, “we are so fucked” (not verbatim) when Sonic says he’s never held a sword, then corrects him by referring to the fairies he picks up as pixies. He asks her to give Tails a bigger challenge than picking apples, only to feel guilty when she sics the Mist Dragon on him. Then, of course, there’s the soundtrack—while the Misty Lake theme’s decent, the new soundtrack for this rewrite uses songs by Pinback, a lifelong favorite band of mine. Its equal nostalgia to Sonic aside, this is for the cryptic but often mellow gothic atmosphere they carry, which fits the fantasy aesthetic of Black Knight. You know, other than my total lack of a personal connection to the default metal soundtrack. I even modded it into the actual game, and the end result was pure magic. In this case, the theme has been changed to “Penelope” from their 2001 album Blue Screen Life, whereas the Mist and Earth Dragon fights use the faster tempo cover of “Microtonic Wave” from their Too Many Shadows EP.

After the first mission, Merlina gives Sonic an explanation about Nimue and the scabbard, but also that Arthur can’t be struck down because he’s… immortal. That doesn’t mean what they think it means, but regardless, she gives him a cool glove as well as a pointer to Caliburn, another sacred sword in the stone.

Sonic and Tails stop at Nimue’s house on the lake but get a dagger held to their throats. The sorceress, whose role is taken by Amy, has been a paranoid recluse since she was driven out of Camelot, but Sonic starts to earn her respect through something that surely gets Amy every time: flattery. Still not keen on practicing witchcraft, she gives them three tasks to be completed in three days: freeing the prisoners from the old Camelot castle, performing an act of service to the kingdom’s residents, and liberating the kingdom and countryside from Arthur’s Underworld knights. They leave on positive terms knowing she’ll bless their swords in return.

Sonic effortlessly pulls the sword from the stone, which is when something too silly for even this franchise comes into play: a talking, wisecracking sword with a cute anime face. I really wish I was joking, but like the Heroes aesthetic in Shadow the Hedgehog, this just doesn’t fit the moodier flair they’re going for. The worst part? Can you imagine always seeing Caliburn here, but almost never Tails? Well, if so, then be glad I’m freeing you from that nightmare.

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Sonic fights Arthur for a little while, but other than show off Caliburn’s capabilities, that really doesn’t accomplish anything. After the next mission, Caliburn whines about his dull edge, and Merlina presents a soliloquy about why a flower blooms when it’s only going to wither. Yes, this does kind of come into play, but in the rewrite, this quandary can wait.

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Sonic heads off to find Caliburn a blacksmith in the old Camelot castle, which the knights of the Underworld have by the throat.

Seeing as Tails is already his blacksmith, Sonic charges into the castle with him to free the prisoners. Spotting the new castle on the island of Avalon, another guilt trips hits them when a falling statue caves in the inner wall. The theme here is “Fortress”—which has one of the most creative, breathtaking, and underrated music videos you’ll ever see—from the 2004 album Summer in Abaddon.

Sonic criticizes the sword for its dull edge, not how deathly annoying it is, while also being a dick to Blacksmith Tails because… I don’t know, just accept it as a fact. Lord knows I’ve had to!

On Avalon, Lancelot’s stuck in the middle of an argument regarding hedonism versus snobbery between Gawain and Percival, which he settles by telling them they both suck equally. Arthur gets them back on track by driving Excalibur through the table, then describes Sonic and Tails’s recent movements. Lancelot’s sent to survey the woods for being equal to Sonic, who’s headed that way as they speak; Gawain to the ruins across the plains because he matches their resilience; and Percival to the volcanic mines for her cautious and abstinent nature.

Although Nimue lives along the lake, this is when Sonic decides to meet with her.

Sonic and Tails start to utilize their Soul Surges—Tails’s being the Blacksmith’s bombing run from Black Knight‘s multiplayer—with help from Merlina, who’s started showing her colder, more abrasive perfectionist nature compared to Shahra. The theme here is “Sherman” from the 2012 album Information Retrieved, which I’m sad to say is the last studio album Pinback ever recorded.

Lancelot challenges Sonic to a duel. Caliburn also keeps being annoying.

Other than a light exchange between Sonic and Lancelot (or “Lancy”), the latter quotes the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail because he absolutely had to.

Characters inspired by Mickey Mouse get into a Fire Emblem sword fight to the sound of “Through the Fire”. Ugh.

Lancelot calls Clarent (yes, Sonic and Tails are both still wielding it) a manure magnet, but it’s okay—when karma hits him, Sonic calls him a weirdo for liking the taste of manure. The theme here as well as for all the other Round Table Knight bosses is “Denslow, You Idiot!” from Information Retrieved. Yes, it is a fantastic name.

Sonic proves how cultured he is by not recognizing the name Lancelot either, but he does obtain his sacred sword Arondight. There’s no reason for this until way later in the story. He takes it to Nimue’s home, where giggly Grungy Anime Era Amy takes on her role instead of an assertive Dreamcast and Modern Era blend. She doesn’t seem too ashamed for dooming the whole kingdom, but she nonetheless gives Sonic his three tasks in exchange for overpowering Arthur’s scabbard.

Sonic quotes Holy Grail again when he thinks he’s won… until Lancelot Soul-Surges him and snaps the blade clean off Clarent. Tails knocks him out with a rock before he can land the killing blow, then takes Sonic to the nearest village to repair Clarent. This new scene sees Tails welding the blade back into the guard—then scrubbing, refining, and sharpening both their swords—as a means of incorporating his technical skill and his new role as a blacksmith. The Blacksmith menu theme from the original game, a gorgeous Arthurian cover of his Adventure series theme song “Believe in Myself”, is now titled “Event: Tails the Blacksmith” and associated with this scene.

A few missions in Deep Woods and Camelot Castle later, Sonic finds a crying child in the forest, who tells him his family was taken with the rest of the village to the mountains by a dragon. Caliburn demands that he not complete one of Nimue’s tests because the world’s fastest hedgehog won’t make it in time; Sonic responds by saying he doesn’t care because he plays by his own rules. He’s just a vessel for the writers now, isn’t he?

The scene becomes as simple as the kid elaborating on the crystal cave his folks were taken to and Sonic obliging, knowing this would count as a good deed. That’s it.

Nothing to say about the writing but too much to say about the beauty of the setting.

More sarcasm from Sonic when Tails states the obvious, as well as another hint about Merlina’s intentions. While I don’t despise the original music, the theme here is “Hurley” from Pinback, the band’s 1999 debut album.

Sonic actually tries avoiding confrontation with Gawain, but the knight’s intent on protecting the ruins surrounding him. I choose to believe the potential link to Knuckles and his lifelong duty was intentional because it would’ve been mildly clever.

Gawain relishes in the peaceful land surrounding him like Knuckles while uninterested in the ocean unlike Sinbad. Sonic compares him to the man playing the role, but nonetheless, Gawain reveals that he carries not one, but two instances of Galatine and hopes Sonic has double vision.

Other than Gawain’s own Soul Surge, generic oppositional lines abound. In an oddly dark move after the fact, though, a disgraced Gawain attempts to kill himself with his own blades (this is what happens when Japanese writers work with European folklore) before Sonic takes both away, telling him there’s more to a knight than serving royalty. Again, this raises the question of why he’s even gathering their swords.

Sonic tells Gawain where to meet him for a rematch, then makes up an Arthurian-sounding name off the top of his head for Tails. All this triggers is confusion.

In one mission, Sonic infiltrates the cave the child was referring to, although he never finds the dragon; in the next, the most blatant Indiana Jones connection yet is established when he uses Caliburn to deflect light shafts into the crystals holding the townsfolk as a means of busting them out.

Both missions are combined into one. When a swarm of bats overwhelms Sonic, he takes turns with Tails on a lightning round of puns, but all this does is leave Merlina pitying Tails over who he picked as his role model. The theme here is “From Nothing to Nowhere” from the 2007 album Autumn of the Seraphs, the cover art of which bears a striking resemblance to this stage’s exterior.

Sonic and Caliburn meet the child outside the cave, who thanks them for their service before morphing into Nimue. Ay, dios mío! She takes them back to her home, where she reveals what they’ll need to defeat Arthur: the Round Table Knights’ sacred swords. Yes, it’s very lucky that Sonic’s taken to lugging three of the four swords around, or else he’d already have failed. She points them to Percival, the last remaining Knight, and honestly, their false usage of immortality to describe Arthur’s advantages is starting to infuriate me.

Sonic leaves the cave describing the Chaos 6 boss from Sonic Adventure to Tails, but only because he feels like talking about fishing. Nimue’s confidence in her sorcery has been rejuvenated by the time of her reveal, as well as her blessing of both their swords. Thus, they both finally become Caliburn, but certainly not the same Caliburn. He, or it, is described as a lesser predecessor to Excalibur, and all while lacking both a face and wisecracks—ethereal mutterings echo from within, which Nimue says only the wisest of men can make out. She goes on to presume that simply disgracing the Knights may be enough to nullify Arthur’s curse as it’s perpetuated by their loyalty to him.

Really not much to say here. Again, just a lot of unmemorable banter between a man and his weapon.

Tails asks to not have to think about the living conditions here while Sonic hurries in and out of people’s homes to apologize for their low income. Sonic also references Shrek when shimmying between lava-gushing crevices. The theme here is “CLOAD ‘Q’” from Information Retrieved.

Percival asks Sonic for his name and master, to which he answers with something along the lines of his “the planet as cool and blue as me” quote without the peppy innocence. Percival also coins his title “Knight of the Wind” because Crush 40.

Percival mutters to her parents, who’d previously overseen the mines here, before chiding herself for talking to lava.

Percival’s Soul Surge is revealed to be Blaze’s fire tornado move. After the duel, Sonic saves her from certain death when she tumbles over the edge of the cliff, and Merlina appears to flatter him to death and point him to Avalon, where Arthur now resides.

In the end, she appears to admit defeat before diving off the edge personally, referencing the famous British legend of the Lambton Worm as she goes. Sonic still proceeds to save her, though, and she figures it’s time to quit knighthood and take up carpentry.

Dialogue from that short story you wrote in high school ensues between Sonic and Arthur. Minus all the blood, gore, and nine thousand swear words.

Tails drops Sonic off on Avalon, and Arthur explains why he’s let a class system form within Camelot, claiming “there is no utopia beyond the Kingdom” (that being Heaven).

Sonic keeps up with Arthur as the sun sets on the island, and their sword clashes get predictably over-the-top.

Not much worth pointing out other than every line having been either removed or replaced. And Sonic calling Arthur “Sleepy Hollow”. The theme here is “Devil You Know” from Autumn of the Seraphs.

Arthur says Sonic can’t defeat him because he’s immortal, and thank the lord Jeebus we never have to hear that again. We do have to see Sonic arranging the sacred swords around him without ever being told, though. He’s apparently pissed to find Arthur’s scabbard left after he dissolves, and later, Merlina reveals to him and the three Knights that Arthur was merely an illusion, and that she’ll undo her grandfather’s “greatest mistake” before converting Avalon into the Dark Hollow.

Tails is disappointed that he never got to take Arthur’s crown before he disintegrated. Merlina arrives to retrieve the scabbard, but the three Knights converge on Avalon, demanding that Sonic dispose of it instead. This is when the “fake Arthur” reveal comes into play, as well as the detail that the real Arthur was slain by his brother Mordred years ago. Amidst her hopes of bringing her and her grandfather’s dream of a perfect world to life, we see her become the Dark Queen, who now possesses yellow voids for eyes like a World of Warcraft character.

It’s treated as hard to believe that Merlina’s responsible for this when they flat-out saw her do it.

Other than Dragon’s Lair, this is the only Sonic stage in which Tails never plays a part, as they’re separated by their respective routes. The theme here is “Off by 50” from Autumn of the Seraphs.

Even though Gawain doesn’t wish to stand back and watch the kingdom be consumed, this is treated like he’s given into defeat. Sonic repeats his point about being a knight regardless of royalty, and Nimue marks four points throughout Camelot where their swords can form a barrier around the Hollow.

Naturally, skittish Percival is the first to get testy, especially based on the premise of Sonic being their new royalty, but I jokingly refer to Sonic’s subsequent pep talk as a humanist manifesto—he cites citizens during the Black Plague as depending on higher powers that couldn’t be trusted to save them, so therefore, the Knights should be heroes simply because they have the power to. Then, in spite of his chivalry, Lancelot gets Nimue’s name wrong twice before the Lady of the Lake points out the barrier stones.

The first stage in which the three Knights are played as. Also, Lancelot claims the trees are “coming to life” like they were previously dead.

Lancelot refers to the whole forest as a giant bear trap after Nimue determines the first stone as answering to Arondight. The theme here is “Non Photo-Blue” from Summer in Abaddon.

Lancelot drives Arondight into the stone.

Very little has changed other than his desire to get his sword back after this.

Gawain infiltrates the forest outside the tunnel to the barrier stone, during which he’s not required to free the prisoners, or at least not during the required missions.

Gawain saves the hostages and hopes to find sustenance inside the Tower (yes, its nickname is derived from the Tower of London) after Nimue determines the second stone as answering to Galatine. A small added touch is that the emerald color of the underground etchings somehow rings a bell for him. The theme here is “Proceed to Memory” from Information Retrieved.

Gawain drives Galatine into their stone.

The revealed text is reworded, and more of Gawain’s gluttonous nature is put on display.

Percival is unflappable without any sign of weakness, which of course does a lot to make her interesting.

Percival acts butthurt over all the obstacles seeming to target her after Nimue determines the third stone as answering to Laevatin. The theme here is “Bloods on Fire” from Summer in Abaddon.

Percival drives Laevatin into its stone. For the first time, the message the stone generates strangely isn’t read aloud.

Percival’s ready to go home early by the time her sword is sacrificed. The new message also reads, “With but one knight’s entry to the Hollow, the land shall see the light again.”

In two separate missions, Sonic reaches the heart of the cave system and battles the Earth Dragon.

Sonic completes the first mission and the Earth Dragon fight combined into one after Nimue determines the final stone as answering to Caliburn. The theme here is “AFK” from Summer in Abaddon.

Sonic drives Caliburn into its stone, yet the resulting barrier fails to fully trap the Hollow as a means of letting Sonic inside.

As Sonic doesn’t understand the runes in the resulting message, Nimue reads them aloud as, “The sword shall return to the stone, just as the light shall return to the heart of the trespasser.” As mentioned in one of the messages, only one knight can enter the Hollow—this has to be Sonic, of course, who wonders if Merlina can still be turned.

It’s revealed that Merlina is aware of Camelot’s fate, that Arthur’s death at the hands of Mordred and a “rift” triggered by Lancelot and Gawain will doom the kingdom. Camelot embodied the perfect world she wanted to form with her grandfather, but it wouldn’t last without the scabbard’s influence. For some reason, understanding her flower soliloquy angers Sonic, who asks why she’d want a world that lasts forever, and when she so much as expresses how this knowledge has tormented her, he starts slashing away at her like Travis the Chimp, still the same supportive and down-to-earth role model I grew up with. Caliburn’s broken in half by the Dark Queen’s astral projection (cue the standing ovation), but Sonic’s still too dumb and impulsive to restrategize. Of course, his “don’t give a fuck” nature causes the viewing portal in front of Nimue and the Knights to glow with Caliburn’s aura, and by offering their swords to it (how do they know to do this?), they allow Sonic to transform into Excalibur Sonic and Caliburn to reform as purified Excalibur—but don’t worry, as they say verbatim what Excalibur is.

Tails drops Sonic off at the Hollow, but after the Solaris incident, he’s worried this might be the end of his mentor—in his words, Sonic’s helped make everyone he knows who they are. As for him, however? He’s beyond positive that Tails could make it just find without him.

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Merlina starts out pleading with Merlin beyond the grave that the whole world was a mess of disorder until now. She tells Sonic Merlin’s dream for a perfect world had been pushed on her from her birth to his death, that this wonderland would only decay and already has. Sonic, being the level-headed one this time, retorts by claiming no one would take action if nothing ever ended, but she argues that many already don’t. She seethes at the pushback her vision’s faced and accuses Sonic of descending on it, even launching him back for wanting to come up with a new dream. When he’s bested and Caliburn’s split halfway, Tails is suddenly able to hear his own Caliburn thanks to his wisdom, which cryptically says the sacred swords can rejoin into Excalibur. This is how they know to offer their swords, and Nimue and the Knights are mystified by Excalibur Sonic’s namesake weapon without spelling out what it is.

Other than Shadow the Hedgehog, we get to the most comically metal sequence in a Sonic game—literally, as “With Me” is the song that plays, to which I have absolutely zero emotional connection. Sonic also rejects the notion of an endless existence by saying it “sounds pretty lame,” as esoteric concepts fit right in with unnatural kiddie dialogue and wisecracking swords. I’m only grateful that, ultimately, it ends on the most faithfully Sonic note possible: him giving the fallen queen the ol’ thumbs-up.

When the Dark Queen accuses Sonic of killing her dream, he tells her you can’t kill what’s already dead—in this case, he swears he’s only willing to fight forces that are natural to stop. He ends the battle by landing the final dash attack, giving her what she needs most—a soul, hint hint—and the same laid-back hand gesture. The theme here is “Torch” from Autumn of the Seraphs.

With the Hollow in pieces, Sonic tells Merlina everything has to end sometime, but to take that as a reason to make every moment count. He lets her nuzzle a flower to death while Caliburn, Nimue, and the Knights declare him to be the real King Arthur! Good god, where’d I keep the Jack Daniels?

Merlina’s distress at the loss of the scabbard is emphasized before Sonic gives a similar spiel, flower and all; however, she stays perfectly silent in response, and instead of crowning Sonic as the king, Nimue and the Knights ask if what she said about the world’s decay is true. Sonic promises they have separate lives elsewhere, and an enlightened Merlina accepts his and Tails’s request to return them both home. “Live Life” is still the associated song for this event.

Although it’s never revealed how Sonic got home—by all means, he likely made the whole story up—the post-credits scene replicates the comedy film meme of, “Yep, that’s me! You’re probably wondering how I got in this situation!” until Amy chases him down again for forgetting about their date. Let’s agree to close the book on that chapter.

Tails finishes his story to the group, now joined by Shadow, Blaze, and Silver. Their reactions range from most to least positive: Cream enjoyed it, Amy loves any story that puts her in a poofy dress, Shadow pretends to like it, Knuckles is insulted by the result of the Gawain fight, Blaze is annoyed by being a loser even in fiction, and Silver whines over why he wasn’t in it. The multiplayer characters of Sir Galahad (Silver) and Sir Lamorak (Jet) are teased, and Sonic exits the house with Tails and Knuckles.

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Wait… what the hell is this? Well, that would be the incorporation of Sonic Riders into this timeline, namely the Grand Prix playoffs between Team Sonic and Team Babylon in Night Chase. Orbot and Cubot are the announcers, the former getting a shock whenever he gives Sonic the benefit of the doubt and the latter not even knowing if anyone’s winning. Sonic pokes Jet, who embodies the villain from Dodgeball, in the ribs before Wave cheats by luring the former’s team into a police chase. The wisps are the last element introduced from the Modern Era so Team Sonic can win fair and square, to which Jet demonstrates zero sportsmanship. Then, just as Tails reminisces over his and Sonic’s dreams, the pair’s whisked back into one of them. Now back on Avalon, they hear from Merlina that two Knights have the scabbard, so with both of them having been given Caliburn, the hunt is on.

Other than the Arthur boss, this stage has three missions: “Chain of Rings”, “Total Rampage”, and “Ultimate Challenge”.

Sections from all three missions are combined into one. The theme here is “How We Breathe” from Autumn of the Seraphs.

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In the end, Sonic and Tails watch as Galahad and Lamorak argue over the scabbard, with Galahad being mocked for his naiveté and Lamorak chastized for his pride. Lamorak also reveals that his family had killed Percival’s over a property dispute before the latest duo to show up here confronts them.

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Sonic takes pride in fighting Lamorak, given his recent quarrel with Jet, while Tails takes on the more tolerable of the two. Galahad incorporates his Soul Surge from the game’s multiplayer while Lamorak, who originally lacked his own, rams Sonic head-on with an armored steampunk hoverboard. Like the other Round Table Knight bosses, the theme here is “Denslow, You Idiot!”

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From the Hollow, Sonic and Tails drop the scabbard into the ocean, its black magic dissipating as a result, and the two Knights they just fought feel more content with one another—Galahad even requests guidance on what it takes to be king, implying him to be a potential future monarch (from what research I’ve done, he was classically considered equal to Arthur.) Merlina gives her thanks and returns the duo home.

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The Grand Prix finishes in Metal City, now under the time and weather conditions of Team Sonic’s intro during the first scene of Sonic Riders: Zero Gravity. In spite of Jet’s entitlement, Tails makes the selfless choice to give him their trophy, one of the Arcs of the Cosmos, as he knows they’re the keys to the Babylon Gardens. This takes Jet aback, who leaves on unexpectedly positive terms with Team Sonic. Sonic isn’t bothered by this, claiming all his friends filling the bleachers are where the gold is at. Following an ’80s sitcom freeze frame of all three, the scene switches to Merlina rummaging around for another flower where a grassland and desert meet… until, surprise surprise, Shahra approaches from the desert, and like the flowers, a much-needed friendship is in bloom. The song associated with this ending—the true ending of my Sonic timeline—is “Good to Sea”, one of Pinback’s most popular numbers, from Autumn of the Seraphs. Hey, if you wanna work a game like Unleashed or Colors into this timeline, go right ahead. I won’t force you to close the book here, but lord knows I have.